Watch now | "And now, he has me." This video is just one of my stories told through the art of verbal storytelling. I’ve deliberately excluded many of the details to keep the narrative flowing smoothly but encourage you to ask me questions.
This is part four of the story of the day a man tried to kill me, and the supernatural events that occurred that saved me.
Trigger warning for violence.
You are a mesmerizing story teller. I wish this weren't a true story. I guess it helps a little that the listener knows you are alive to tell the tale, so to speak.
What do you think, does this method of telling the story verbally out loud, help you? For myself, I can see two possibilities:
1. Speaking the events in story form, gives some distance & it becomes something you create, rather than only being something that happened to you. It's outside of you, instead of only inside of you, which is important.
2. Creating something out of trauma is healing, & can help others, but it also kind of "locks it in place" as a "thing" instead of an event. KWIM? Like once it's "out there" it is no longer yours alone. I can see good & bad aspects of this. I can't tell if storytelling would "minimize" the effects of the event, or "expand" the effects of the event.
This is not a criticism, I think you are brilliant. I'm just curious to know your thoughts. How does the verbal storytelling make you feel afterward?
Thanks, take your time! Reading over my comment again, instead of "minimize," I think "lessen" would be a better word...
So does telling the story out loud lessen the effects, or increase the effects? (Like now it has expanded into something bigger than the actual occurrence, which was awful in the first place.) I might not be explaining myself very well, lol. I'm puzzling over what it would feel like to verbalize the story out loud.
First of all, thank you so much for asking these questions. I had to really think about this.
I have always been a storyteller. I used to narrate everything in my head as a way to stay focused, especially during specific incidents of physical abuse and all of the gaslighting.
Dissociation was the goto, but occasionally I had to be focused to be able to stay in control.
Speaking the stories out loud and to the camera actually connected me to the event.
I was completely unprepared for this. I am remembering incredible details, like he was still slightly damp because he had showered just before I picked him up. He was wearing Drakkar. It was November 89, and the moon was full, which is why I could see so well.
More importantly, I am connected to the emotions associated with the memory. I had NEVER remembered anything with this amount of emotional detail. The utter horror I felt that night is almost unbearable to remember even now. Even though I seemed calm and unemotional, my mind was racing with possible fight or flight plans.
These things have been trapped in my head. Speaking them out loud released them and made them real. It was a claiming of myself and my story.
I have this issue where I am almost always disconnected from my body. Seeing myself tell my story in the recording has connected me with myself, to my body.
Storytelling and recording the story have been the most effective tool of healing I have ever dealt with. It takes a little downtime to process the memories during and afterward, but it is worth it.
I can relate to everything you just said. Thanks for your very thoughtful reply.
Once I wrote a very direct poem in college about “the abuse” & my professor wanted me to read it aloud just to her in her office. I could not do it. Even though the words poured out like I was bleeding as I wrote them on the page. But I could not do it. Then again it had only been a few years between the abuse & the poem. I had written it partially in my snarky teenage voice & partly in my terrified child voice & I could not allow “the child voice” to be heard. Protection. Still.
No. I have it stashed somewhere probably. If I find it, I might post it. I don’t mind if people read it, I just can’t seem to read it out loud myself. I’ll think about it.
You can’t forget any part of it, can you? It must have been so daunting! Your good dad prepared you well for this day I guess! I know how that sounds! I’m sorry! But your story, why do people go so crazy? What did you do to get him to want to kill you? And why did he do so much instead of just reaching for a weapon to get it over with? What a sociopath!
So sorry Michelle. Didn’t mean to come across as victim shaming or blaming! That is one thing I am very bad at. I don’t think how I might be sounding to the listener. Lost some friends in the process. Still haven’t learnt my lesson. But thank you for understanding my intent.
And I didn’t mean ‘good dad’ to sound like he was good or anything, only that his actions prepared you for what lied ahead. Nor that he intended to do that but that it somehow prepared you for that day.
I have not been physically abused so I can’t believe that cruel people exist in this world. I always believed that people behave badly as a reaction, inability to control their actions when rage hits home.
But this is very hard for me to accept. Way beyond my league or capacity to handle.
You are so strong Michelle! I admire your courage and empathy at the same time. I am sorry for asking dumb questions!
"Your good dad prepared you well for this day I guess! I know how that sounds! I’m sorry!"
My dad did not teach me anything except that evil exists. My ability to control my reactions had less to do with what my father did to me and more to do with how I adapted to what he did to me.
The ocean did not teach me to swim. I taught myself to swim so I would not drown in the ocean.
I learned to survive a man intent on destroying me, and neither he nor any other abuser gets credit for my adaptability.
"But your story, why do people go so crazy?"
I have endured more than my fair share of bad people because I was groomed to believe it was normal, and bad people recognize that grooming and target me and people like me.
These people are not crazy. They are bad. Crazy people do not care about consequences. Bad people avoid consequences.
"What did you do to get him to want to kill you?"
You have to be very careful. Asking the question in this manner can come across as victim shaming or blaming. I know that was not your intent. You are just trying to understand why this is happening. I just wanted to let you know so you do not ever hurt someone’s feelings.
Bad people do not need a reason to be violent, just an excuse, and usually one that has nothing at all to do with the victim. In this case, this man wanted me to help him kill somebody, and I would not do it, so I became the target instead.
"And why did he do so much instead of just reaching for a weapon to get it over with? What a sociopath!"
The people who do these types of things want you to suffer. They do not just want to hurt you; they want you to be scared and in pain. They want you to cry, struggle, and beg for your life.
I refused to do that.
He had a knife and a gun, but that would have been too quick. That would have ended his fun. And honestly, thank God. If he had used a weapon, I might not be here today to tell the story.
You are a mesmerizing story teller. I wish this weren't a true story. I guess it helps a little that the listener knows you are alive to tell the tale, so to speak.
What do you think, does this method of telling the story verbally out loud, help you? For myself, I can see two possibilities:
1. Speaking the events in story form, gives some distance & it becomes something you create, rather than only being something that happened to you. It's outside of you, instead of only inside of you, which is important.
2. Creating something out of trauma is healing, & can help others, but it also kind of "locks it in place" as a "thing" instead of an event. KWIM? Like once it's "out there" it is no longer yours alone. I can see good & bad aspects of this. I can't tell if storytelling would "minimize" the effects of the event, or "expand" the effects of the event.
This is not a criticism, I think you are brilliant. I'm just curious to know your thoughts. How does the verbal storytelling make you feel afterward?
I am preparing an answer for you. I just wanted to let you know.
Thanks, take your time! Reading over my comment again, instead of "minimize," I think "lessen" would be a better word...
So does telling the story out loud lessen the effects, or increase the effects? (Like now it has expanded into something bigger than the actual occurrence, which was awful in the first place.) I might not be explaining myself very well, lol. I'm puzzling over what it would feel like to verbalize the story out loud.
First of all, thank you so much for asking these questions. I had to really think about this.
I have always been a storyteller. I used to narrate everything in my head as a way to stay focused, especially during specific incidents of physical abuse and all of the gaslighting.
Dissociation was the goto, but occasionally I had to be focused to be able to stay in control.
Speaking the stories out loud and to the camera actually connected me to the event.
I was completely unprepared for this. I am remembering incredible details, like he was still slightly damp because he had showered just before I picked him up. He was wearing Drakkar. It was November 89, and the moon was full, which is why I could see so well.
More importantly, I am connected to the emotions associated with the memory. I had NEVER remembered anything with this amount of emotional detail. The utter horror I felt that night is almost unbearable to remember even now. Even though I seemed calm and unemotional, my mind was racing with possible fight or flight plans.
These things have been trapped in my head. Speaking them out loud released them and made them real. It was a claiming of myself and my story.
I have this issue where I am almost always disconnected from my body. Seeing myself tell my story in the recording has connected me with myself, to my body.
Storytelling and recording the story have been the most effective tool of healing I have ever dealt with. It takes a little downtime to process the memories during and afterward, but it is worth it.
I can relate to everything you just said. Thanks for your very thoughtful reply.
Once I wrote a very direct poem in college about “the abuse” & my professor wanted me to read it aloud just to her in her office. I could not do it. Even though the words poured out like I was bleeding as I wrote them on the page. But I could not do it. Then again it had only been a few years between the abuse & the poem. I had written it partially in my snarky teenage voice & partly in my terrified child voice & I could not allow “the child voice” to be heard. Protection. Still.
Yes. I didn’t tell my family everything because I felt I was protecting them. What from?! I dunno.
Have you tried since then?
No. I have it stashed somewhere probably. If I find it, I might post it. I don’t mind if people read it, I just can’t seem to read it out loud myself. I’ll think about it.
Oh Michelle, I don’t even know what to say. I’m just so sorry that you had to go through this.
You can’t forget any part of it, can you? It must have been so daunting! Your good dad prepared you well for this day I guess! I know how that sounds! I’m sorry! But your story, why do people go so crazy? What did you do to get him to want to kill you? And why did he do so much instead of just reaching for a weapon to get it over with? What a sociopath!
So sorry Michelle. Didn’t mean to come across as victim shaming or blaming! That is one thing I am very bad at. I don’t think how I might be sounding to the listener. Lost some friends in the process. Still haven’t learnt my lesson. But thank you for understanding my intent.
And I didn’t mean ‘good dad’ to sound like he was good or anything, only that his actions prepared you for what lied ahead. Nor that he intended to do that but that it somehow prepared you for that day.
I have not been physically abused so I can’t believe that cruel people exist in this world. I always believed that people behave badly as a reaction, inability to control their actions when rage hits home.
But this is very hard for me to accept. Way beyond my league or capacity to handle.
You are so strong Michelle! I admire your courage and empathy at the same time. I am sorry for asking dumb questions!
I sincerely know you did not mean anything by your comments. You are wonderful and I very much appreciate your curiosity and your questions.
"Your good dad prepared you well for this day I guess! I know how that sounds! I’m sorry!"
My dad did not teach me anything except that evil exists. My ability to control my reactions had less to do with what my father did to me and more to do with how I adapted to what he did to me.
The ocean did not teach me to swim. I taught myself to swim so I would not drown in the ocean.
I learned to survive a man intent on destroying me, and neither he nor any other abuser gets credit for my adaptability.
"But your story, why do people go so crazy?"
I have endured more than my fair share of bad people because I was groomed to believe it was normal, and bad people recognize that grooming and target me and people like me.
These people are not crazy. They are bad. Crazy people do not care about consequences. Bad people avoid consequences.
"What did you do to get him to want to kill you?"
You have to be very careful. Asking the question in this manner can come across as victim shaming or blaming. I know that was not your intent. You are just trying to understand why this is happening. I just wanted to let you know so you do not ever hurt someone’s feelings.
Bad people do not need a reason to be violent, just an excuse, and usually one that has nothing at all to do with the victim. In this case, this man wanted me to help him kill somebody, and I would not do it, so I became the target instead.
"And why did he do so much instead of just reaching for a weapon to get it over with? What a sociopath!"
The people who do these types of things want you to suffer. They do not just want to hurt you; they want you to be scared and in pain. They want you to cry, struggle, and beg for your life.
I refused to do that.
He had a knife and a gun, but that would have been too quick. That would have ended his fun. And honestly, thank God. If he had used a weapon, I might not be here today to tell the story.